The Patrons

A year since I started this blog, my inclination to drop names has evolved into somewhat of an addiction. Siblings, friends, and future world leaders are thrown unapologetically into my rants without an explanation of whom or what they are. Therefore, I have decided to introduce those who regularly appear in these posts — our daily patrons here at the pub, so to speak — for those fortunate souls unaccustomed with me and my associates.

The Siblings (in order of appearance):

Pat – Second oldest, techno-geek, and entrepreneur (i.e. he has a job), Patrick lives to annoy the rest of the family. Upon arriving at your house, he will not rest until someone is annoyed or screaming and then with a hearty belch, proceed to nuke your bathroom.

Tiff – Pat’s better half and soul mate, Tiff loves turtles, bald men, and medical dramas. Unlike Pat and me, she cannot watch a lioness grapple with a gazelle but becomes captivated by graphic surgery on the Discovery Channel. Weird.

Katie – Sister supreme and the world’s best hair stylist (by my own account), Katie is the oldest of my little sisters; she possesses low-tolerance for alcohol and a planet-sized heart, which nonetheless shrinks when doused in alcohol, transforming her into a rather mean drunk.

Sean – Future lawyer, potential businessman, and eventual rancher, Sean currently serves as acting Director of Caffeine Distribution at a nearby law office.

Frank the Tank – Yet another reason to fear New Jersey, Frank emerged from America’s vegetative cesspool to attend business classes with Sean.  Owing to poor reflexes, excessive alcohol, and Cuban ancestry, Frank no longer skateboards alongside moving vehicles anymore, preferring to waste his days drinking cheap beer, playing Risk, and blasting holes through the digital undead with my younger brothers.  He is currently employed, single and actively seeking female companionship.  Two letters of recommendation from past partners preferred with written psychiatric profile.  Whorish slatterns need not apply.

Ryan – Football star, comic geek, and lover, Ryan affirms the advantage of perky nipples and the superiority of Superman over Batman. We’re considering therapy.

Shannon – Angry, lovable, and a quick master of Celtic martial arts (i.e. if it moves, punch it), Shannon believes that if you assault a problem with enough force, it will fix itself. If this strategy fails, whatever was broken in the first place probably wasn’t worth fixing anyway.

Charley – The ladies’ man and Shannon’s best friend, Charlie is our adoptive brother for the next year until he finishes high school. He enjoys long walks on the beach, Kenny Chesney, and driving twenty miles over the recommended speed limit.

Kevin – Inventor, car enthusiast, and weapons specialist, Kevin loves dismantling machines, putting them back together, and using the left-over pieces to build all kinds of gadgets and gizmos.

Bree – Our littlest sister and a living, breathing bundle of cuteness, Bree’s adorable exterior hides a demanding tyrant underneath.

The Parents

Mom and Dad – Our progenitors and founders of our small Irish clan, Mom and Dad endure the constant chaos of our home through wisdom, patience, and imbibing the occasional libation . . . daily.

Other Players:

Dasad – My heterosexual life-mate and partner-in-crime, Dasad enjoys good chocolate, drawing nude men and women, and anything associated with Gordon Ramsey and the Food Network. He once loved American Idol until it began to suck.

Fisch – Future President of the U.S. (POTUS), Fisch studies law, economics, swing dancing, and is known affectionately by the siblings as the “guy with all the problems,” an epithet derived from numerous maniacal lady friends, a receding hairline, and an intense desire to lead the free world.

And finally . . .

Murphey – I consider myself a writer, a scientist, and a resolute scholar (i.e. out-of-work bum with books). A geek of many obsessions and a recovering caffeine addict, I read children’s lit for my sanity, visit bookstores for my nerves, and admire wine bottles solely for the artistic labels.