Emails like the following convince me that madness fuels my cells, more necessary than oxygen or water. I wrote this months ago, but only recently decided to post it as it’s quite nonsensical. My family agrees with me on this point. My friends just think I should take up drinking more.
Java java java java java. Katie had to work today so when I arrived home after dropping Kevin off at school, I found no one to offer the melting caramel frapaccino I had bought for her. Of course, I could not let it go to waste, but wait! Add to that one grande pumpkin spice (having already been consumed on the way home while stuck in traffic) to a hilarious reading of Douglas Adam’s Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy on tape and subtract breakfast; I now faced the inevitable high of combining two caffeinated frappacinos, one empty stomach, four misplaced space travelers, and one bowl of petunias. Java java java . . . My fingers punch across the keyboard like a high-strung bird spearing the lump of a broken Sweet Tart; my right foot despite the absence of music has broke into a lively jig and my left wisely minds its own business while looking for something to kick. Java, java, java, JAAVAA!!!
I just ate a cinnamon apple muffin. Hopefully this will halter my urge to launch myself off the wall like a ninja and land on my bed. I don’t doubt I can do it, but I’m pretty sure that my bed might be upset at the result. I think the sugar from the muffin is exacerbating my condition a bit . . . Oh, Dad has come home! His footsteps echo and crack against the floor upstairs as he bellows for me. Here I go . . . and race upstairs!
ME: Helloooooooooo DAD!!!
Dad: Hey, do you have my card?
ME: Yesssssss, I most certainly do!!
Dad: Well, can I have it?
ME: Only if you say pretty please with sugar on top!
Dad: I’m not saying that.
ME: Well, tough tomatoes, you’re not getting it otherwise.
Dad: Come on, I have a meeting to go to.
ME: I haven’t heard the password yet . . . (I cup my hands over my ears. )
Dad: (sighs) Can I have my card . . . please? (he struggles with the word)
ME: And . . . . ( I start dancing around the kitchen a bit like the main character in Fame)
Dad: I’m not saying any of that sugar nonsense.
ME: Ok, but only because you are the bestest best father in the whole wide WORLD!!! ( I hand him his card and gambol upstairs to do some laundry. After an enjoyable search for whites and darks, three loads of laundry, and ten seconds later, I return to the kitchen. Dad is still there when I come down).
Dad: I want you to do some research for me.
Dad: About cars we might need in the future . . . with Ryan driving soon we may need to rethink our current transportation needs.
DAD: Have it ready tonight! I want this taken care of when I get home.
Dad: Ok, well, I’m off to my meeting.
(he leaves and opens his door )
Dad: Ok, I’ll see you later!
ME: Oh Dad . . .
Dad: What? ( he looks at me oddly)
ME: Have a fantastic day!! Ok? It’s so beautiful and cool so be sure to roll the windows down and enjoy this superbly excellent day with it’s blue sky and fall-like temperature, ok? It won’t last forever and so be sure to enjoy the moment as it comes lest it pass you by forever and ever. Ok?!
Dad: . . . . uh, sure! Um . . . see ya.
Java java java java java JAAAAAVAAA!