Yeah, so before we begin, I should explain that texting with my family is a creative experience, a workshop for the mind. Most days I like to spice up our conversations in simple but unusual ways: reversing words (sdrow gnisrever), texting in the third person (Murph enjoyed Ridley Scott’s Prometheus), or conceiving complex stories moments from erupting in the midst of mundane arguments. As an obsessive-compulsive reader, these are some of my favorite kinds of tales anyhow. Outcasts entangled in affairs of grave importance and dire consequence . . . and zombies. You can never go wrong with zombies.
Chuck: “Murph! When are you going post another article on your blog? Boredom is melting my mind! I literally feel pink goop trickling from my ears.”
Me: “Wow, you should probably see a doctor. New post’ll be up soon. Busy day. Feel like I’ve been running all over the state.”
Chuck: “Okay, look. I’ve given you five minutes. If I don’t see a new blog post on your site soon, people here in the office are gonna suffer. Heed my warning . . .”
Me: “Riight. Consider me ‘heeded’ (or is it ‘hed?’). Well, the kids just asked me to cart them over to the 4-H farm to feed their pigs and stuff. Gonna need a little more time here. Post is done though. Just have to add some pictures and send.”
Chuck: “I just decapitated my boss. With a staple-remover. I hope you’re happy.”
Me: “Well, now maybe you can leap the firewall and consult your daily dosage of cat photos. Seriously, I’ll be another five minutes.”
Chuck: “Your excuses bore me. I just used a pencil sharpener to saw off my co-worker’s right hand. So much for his Saturday nights. You have ten minutes before I turn my murderous eyes to the secretary.”
Me: “. . . Is she hot?”
Chuck: “Smokin’ Though I find your cavalier disposition toward human life . . . disturbing. Almost Seinfeld-ian.”
Me: “Coming from a guy whose brutal assault on your co-workers (not to mention impending unemployment) stemmed entirely from the absence of cat videos, I’m not surprised.”
Chuck: “Do not mock my LOL-cat collection. They are precious to me! The secretary has two minutes. And you have until 4:30 to amuse me. She’s a gamer BTW. Loves Bioshock. Do you want to know her handle on WoW?”
Two minutes later . . .
Me: “Fine. There. The post is up. Hope you like Neil Diamond.”
Chuck: “The Jewish Elvis. Awesome. You know, the man’s a musical genius. I’d bear his children if Nature’d let me.”
Me: “So the secreatary’s fine?”
Chuck: “Oh yeah, she’s cool. Course, she was only seconds away from being eaten alive. Oh, and if you want Sherri’s email, best post some better photos soon. I’m not sure how much longer she’s gonna be working here. Toodles!”
So in a desperate gambit to garner a gamer-girl’s email address, I’m posting another Care Package to Charley. Again.