TTWA Assignment: A friend of yours at the NSA calls. She says that for just one hour, she will let you listen to the conversations of any two people in the world. You accept. Whose conversations do you listen to and what do they say? Transcribe the conversation.
Okay, I’m going to get my inner geek on and say George Lucas and Peter Jackson. Ironically enough, both created epic sci-fi and fantasy trilogies, beloved the world over, and both followed up these wonderful movies with prequels that heavily relied upon CGI instead of old-school props and set-design. These secondary trilogies are relatively less beloved.
I often wonder if the two men every phoned one another and compared notes.
PJ: CGI gophers, man? Seriously? Didn’t you learn anything from Jar Jar?
GL: Your one to talk. The Five Armies was basically one long Pixar film, man. Where’s the models? The orc costumes? Hell, I’d settle for a real horse.
PJ: Uh, George, have you even read the books? The Five Armies had like orcs riding wolves? Yeah, let’s try and recreate that using real timber wolves without totally ruining the accuracy of the Tolkien’s work.
GL: Dude, since when were you worried about accuracy? You may as well dub it The Hobbit: PJ’s remix. Legolas in Laketown? Doomed love between star-crossed dwarves and elves? Why not just King Kong too while you’re at it?
PJ: . . .
GL: Don’t tell me . . ?
PJ: It’s in the extended edition. Kong vs. Smaug vs. Indominus Rex. It’s pretty epic, albeit a little creative licensing.
GL: Creative licensing?
PJ: Uh…Hollywood magic?
GL: . . . sure, I’ll go with that. And seriously dude, what’s with the whole secret of the dragon’s breastplate? In the book, Bilbo discovered the secret opening in the dragon chest and told the thrush, which told Bard. It’s stupid and unnecessary change. You remove Bilbo’s entire reason for being in the movie. May as well call it, Gandalf the White and the Thirteen Dwarves.
PJ: Cute. Well Darth Vadar is . . . or should I say was the biggest badass in movie history, and you transform him into a crying momma’s boy.
GL: Losing a parent can be . . . traumatic. You don’t get over that stuff easily.
PJ: Not unless you’re Batman in which you man-up and become a crime-fighting badass. Seriously dude, how could you ruin Darth Vadar? It’s like adding tofu to ice cream. Thank God for Disney.
GL: Yeah . . . the new movie looks . . . okay. Minimal CGI may have been a better choice, but CGI wookies do not attract fleas. I can’t tell you how many times we had to fumigate the suit. By the third week of shooting, Harrison looked like he had measles. That’s the good thing about the computer stuff: no fleas.
PJ: You don’t animals for that, man. Viggo didn’t shower for days and slept with the horses to give himself that weather-beaten ranger look. Yeah, he looks great on film (the fans too eat this stuff up), but try directing or, hell, breathing near the guy and . . . wow! Dude, try a breathmint, at least.
GL: Hey, how was it working with Benedict, though?
PJ: Uhhh . . . awesome! I asked him to sign all kinds of shit too: posters, shirts, my arm . . . Hell, one day while flipping through Pintrest, I accidently asked the guy to sign my cell phone.
GL: No way. Did he?
PJ: Yup, black sharpie right across the screen. Bought a new iPhone the next day. Changed the background of course to . . .
BOTH: “I am SherLOCKED.”
*two grown men laugh like teenage fangirls*
GL: A-any chance of . . . parting . . . with it? I can offer . . .
PJ: *hissss* No, its mine! My own! My precioussss . . . . . . oh wow, sorry man. Don’t know what came over me there . . .
GL: No its cool. I’d probably do the same thing.
PJ: Yeah, well, thanks. Look, I gotta go.
GL: Me too. Disney has a new shipment of royalty money being sent over. God, it’s so hard to count it all.
PJ: They should offer a free money bin everytime they buy out one of your properties, dude.
GL: Seriously, I don’t know what to do with all the cash. The basement over at Skywalker is literally buried in hundred dollar bills and half-dollars.
PJ: Why half-dollars?
GL: I like to . . . you know . . . play with it . . .
PJ: . . .
GL: I mean there’s so much of it. Haven’t you been tempted to swim through your cash like dolphin? Or burrow through it like a gopher? Or . . . or toss it up in the air and let it hit you on the head? It’s quite refreshing.
PJ: And people call New Zealand strange . . .