The Patrons

A year since I started this blog, my inclination to drop names has evolved into somewhat of an addiction. Siblings, friends, and future world leaders are thrown unapologetically into my rants without an explanation of whom or what they are. Therefore, I have decided to introduce those who regularly appear in these posts — our daily patrons here at the pub, so to speak — for those fortunate souls unaccustomed with me and my associates.

The Siblings (in order of appearance):

DalePat – Second oldest, techno-geek, and entrepreneur (i.e. he has a job), Patrick lives to annoy the rest of the family. Upon arriving at your house, he will not rest until someone is annoyed or screaming and then with a hearty belch, proceed to nuke your bathroom.

Candace FlynnTiff – Pat’s better half and soul mate, Tiff loves turtles, bald men, and medical dramas. Unlike Pat and me, she cannot watch a lioness grapple with a gazelle but becomes captivated by graphic surgery on the Discovery Channel. Weird.

kawaiiKatie – Sister supreme and the world’s best hair stylist (by my own account), Katie is the oldest of my little sisters; she possesses low-tolerance for alcohol and a planet-sized heart, which nonetheless shrinks when doused in alcohol, transforming her into a rather mean drunk.  Luckily, here wild ways have cooled somewhat over the years thanks in part to Leo, her husband, and her new son and future ruler of the free world, Killian.

T-rex copySeanFuture Lawyer, potential businessman, and eventual rancher, Sean currently serves as acting Director of Caffeine Distribution at a nearby law office.  Sean is also en route to marriage with his lovely fiance Maria, who is lovely, beautiful and relishes a good challenge ’til death due her part.

Flash_newRodney – The Gus to my Sean, the coffee to my cream . . . that sounded better in my head . . .  Rodney fantasizes about the day when the Steelers win the Super Bowl and he becomes apprenticed to that one trick pony, Jason Bourne.  Of all my family and friends, he above all has the worst taste.  In his off hours, Rodney hunts the streets of Baltimore looking for crime and warm bread pudding.

DeadpoolFrank the TankYet another reason to fear New Jersey, Frank emerged from America’s vegetative cesspool to attend business classes with Sean.  Owing to poor reflexes, excessive alcohol, and Cuban ancestry, Frank no longer skateboards alongside moving vehicles anymore, preferring to waste his days drinking cheap beer, playing Risk, and blasting holes through the digital undead with my younger brothers.  He is currently employed, single and actively seeking female companionship.  Two letters of recommendation from past partners preferred with written psychiatric profile.  Whorish slatterns need not apply.


 Capt ShieldRyan – Football star, comic geek, and true American, Ryan affirms that all Americans should seek liberation from their cruel task-masters (i.e. the government).  He believes that all children should read Atlas Shrugged, that Fifa 15 is his game despite his 51-2 losing streak, and that Superman will always overshadow  Batman. We’re considering therapy.

RocketShannon – Angry, lovable, and a quick master of Celtic martial arts (i.e. if it moves, punch it), Shannon believes that if you assault a problem with enough force, it will fix itself. If this strategy fails, whatever was broken in the first place probably wasn’t worth fixing anyway.  He enjoys long walks on the beach, arguing, and Nathan Fillian.

GrootCharley – The ladies’ man and Shannon’s best friend, Charlie is our adoptive brother from another mother. He too enjoys long walks on the beach, Kenny Chesney, and driving twenty miles over the recommended speed limit.  Charley is currently single and eager to settle down with some lucky lady on an otter farm, because they are the “cutest thing ever.”

Toon Link copyKevin – Inventor, car enthusiast, and weapons specialist, Kevin loves dismantling machines, putting them back together, and using the left-over pieces to build all kinds of gadgets and gizmos.  Like Link, he too can play an ocarina and enjoys tight stockings around his legs.

Batgirl chibliBree – Our littlest sister and a living, breathing bundle of cuteness, Bree’s adorable exterior hides a demanding tyrant underneath.

The Parents

Quiet Man coupleMom and Dad – Our progenitors and founders of our small Irish clan, Mom and Dad endure the constant chaos of our home through wisdom, patience, and imbibing the occasional libation . . . daily.

Other Players:

silver surfer 2Dasad – My heterosexual life-mate and partner-in-crime, Dasad enjoys good chocolate, drawing nude men and women, and anything associated with Gordon Ramsey and the Food Network. He once loved American Idol until it began to suck.

POTUSFisch – Future President of the U.S. (POTUS), Fisch studies law, economics, swing dancing, and is known affectionately by the siblings as the “guy with all the problems,” an epithet derived from numerous maniacal lady friends, a receding hairline love of justice, and an intense desire to lead the free world.

And finally . . .

tardisMurphey – I consider myself a writer, a scientist, and a resolute scholar (i.e. a poor teacher who flits his weekly paychecks on his swelling library). A geek of many obsessions and a recovering caffeine addict, I read children’s lit for my sanity, visit bookstores for my nerves, and admire wine bottles solely for the artistic labels.

8 thoughts on “The Patrons

  1. I could only imagine what my description would be Murphey if you were to add me to your everyday blogging… hence i’m not so sure how your Shakespearean mind would embrace all that the Tank has to offer lol… good stuff on these blogs btw… i enjoy reading them!

  2. Stumbled across this from the main WordPress page. This is hilarious! Keep it up… now all you need is some photos to go with the patron descriptions. I feel like I need to see what these people look like! 🙂

  3. Just to check in with everyone…. hair is still there – unlike the economy there has been no recession. The part about maniacal women is true.

  4. Yeah, I left in that bit about the hair. As reason and nature would dictate, the longer I wait to remove my follicular exaggeration, the less it proves to become one.

  5. I’m the best at gizmos. I’m serious guys! OOOHHHH you think you can repair a 1010 better than me? f you then!

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