A year since I started this blog, my inclination to drop names has evolved into somewhat of an addiction. Siblings, friends, and future world leaders are thrown unapologetically into my rants without an explanation of whom or what they are. Therefore, I have decided to introduce those who regularly appear in these posts — our daily patrons here at the pub, so to speak — for those fortunate souls unaccustomed with me and my associates.
The Siblings (in order of appearance):
Pat – Second oldest, techno-geek, and entrepreneur (i.e. he has a job), Patrick lives to annoy the rest of the family. Upon arriving at your house, he will not rest until someone is annoyed or screaming and then with a hearty belch, proceed to nuke your bathroom.
Tiff – Pat’s better half and soul mate, Tiff loves turtles, bald men, and medical dramas. Unlike Pat and me, she cannot watch a lioness grapple with a gazelle but becomes captivated by graphic surgery on the Discovery Channel. Weird.
Katie – Sister supreme and the world’s best hair stylist (by my own account), Katie is the oldest of my little sisters; she possesses low-tolerance for alcohol and a planet-sized heart, which nonetheless shrinks when doused in alcohol, transforming her into a rather mean drunk. Luckily, here wild ways have cooled somewhat over the years thanks in part to Leo, her husband, and her new son and future ruler of the free world, Killian.
Future Lawyer, potential businessman, and eventual rancher, Sean currently serves as acting Director of Caffeine Distribution at a nearby law office. Sean is also en route to marriage with his lovely fiance Maria, who is lovely, beautiful and relishes a good challenge ’til death due her part.
Rodney – The Gus to my Sean, the coffee to my cream . . . that sounded better in my head . . . Rodney fantasizes about the day when the Steelers win the Super Bowl and he becomes apprenticed to that one trick pony, Jason Bourne. Of all my family and friends, he above all has the worst taste. In his off hours, Rodney hunts the streets of Baltimore looking for crime and warm bread pudding.
Frank the Tank – Yet another reason to fear New Jersey, Frank emerged from America’s vegetative cesspool to attend business classes with Sean. Owing to poor reflexes, excessive alcohol, and Cuban ancestry, Frank no longer skateboards alongside moving vehicles anymore, preferring to waste his days drinking cheap beer, playing Risk, and blasting holes through the digital undead with my younger brothers. He is currently employed, single and actively seeking female companionship. Two letters of recommendation from past partners preferred with written psychiatric profile. Whorish slatterns need not apply.